Rich People Vote To Not Raise Taxes On Rich People

For legal reasons & because my other pieces aren’t satirical: This piece is not actual news.

Yesterday afternoon, Congress voted to not raise taxes on the 1 percent. Various senators & representatives cited different reasons for their vote, but both parties seemed to concur a tax hike was not the solution to improving funding for social and domestic programs.

“Why should we raise taxes when it won’t benefit those being taxed more?” inquired Speaker Pelosi (D-CA). “The purpose of a tax system is for those being taxed to benefit from responsible government spending. If we tax the wealthy more for programs beneficial to the working class, how is that fair to the class responsible for the creation of the most jobs?”

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) instead argued that increased taxes would cause a higher strain on the working class through pay cuts and inflation.

“Raising taxes on the rich directly leads to inflation by changing the way companies price their products, since executives will be making less. Leaving (tax brackets) as they are will prevent inflation in the same way the dollar hasn’t inflated since the previous minimum wage change in 2009.”

“Ultimately, our job is to represent the people based on what they think is best. When you have outlets like The Economist claiming 74 percent of Americans support a wealth tax, you have to figure there is an agenda there,” Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) told CBS reporters. “Our job as elected officials is to use our judgement to make decisions in the best interests of the people that got us here. We can’t let partisan data influence important budget-related decisions like this.”

When asked about the bill’s failure, President Biden acknowledged the need for “bipartisanship.”

“With how divided we are as a nation, it makes more sense for an appointed, organized group to make these decisions. A referendum vote by the people who don’t understand the complexities of our legislative process will lead to irrational and damaging decisions.”

Congress’s approved increase on taxes for those making between $30,000 and $150,000 a year is set to take effect next January, when it is approved with the rest of the budget.

Vice President Harris cited the 1.7% increase as “everyone chipping in a little bit extra.”

This morning, the White House released a statement:

“It is the belief of this administration that one hundred million Americans giving a little more is a safer and less radical way to find the funding that we need through our taxes. A drastic raise in taxes by 10 or 15 percent on the top 1 percent will result in business changes which will negatively affect working class Americans, particularly those of color. When they see their salary after taxes go from $27 million to just $15 million, they will know their luxurious lifestyles are being cracked down on.”